Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my GF and I have so much in common, she thinks I'm the best looking, kindest, smartest, best lover, most considerate, humblest, man in the world...and I agree

   I had a dream that all the neglected MySpace Profiles came back and wanted vengeance.

   "You should know that when I say it ain't nothin' but a G thang, sometimes it *is* more than just a G thang!" - passive-aggressive Dr. Dre

   Doctor says I have Gunter glieben glauchen globen syndrom. I break out in hives whenever I hear Def Leppard's "Rock of Ages".

   I keep thinking about Shane from "The Walking Dead" telling Rick that "it all started with a few weird news reports."

   The first rule of Thesaurus Club is,, You don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.

   Ahhhh,,, At last, my wife has found something her butt does not look big in............... Walmart

   So, what has the Queen ever done for us?

   I either need a new dentist or i'm just too far behind in the times. What does my Prostate have to do with oral hygiene???

   If women want to be treated as equals to men, we're going to need to start seeing a lot more deadbeat moms and manizers.

   "Follow me, follow me, follow me, follow me, but don't lose your grip." - Snoop Dogg prophesying the coming of Twitter in 1993.

   The truth shall set you free, but first it will piss you off!!!

   Dear Liver: thank you for being a most gracious and forgiving blood filter. Love, me.

   Revenge is a dish best served without bacon.

   “Get off my balcony!!” — What my neighbor used to say to pigeons. Sometimes to me.

   I fingered you in 8th grade. I don't want to have a 15 minute conversation with you and your husband at Best Buy.

   Zombie Apocalypse? I'd like to give those Zombies a piece of my mind..

   I learned all my fighting moves from mortalkombat basically it's just me jumping and somersaulting until the other person gets tired&leaves

   Best magic trick I ever pulled was making a house a boat and two motorcycles disappear into bag of cocaine.

   Dance like you're naked. And thin. And pretty.