Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I'm inevitably brought to justice for my crimes against humanity I hope I'm found "incredibly" guilty and not just "regular" guilty.

   Damn you, books on shelves that don't activate a secret door.

   If I can't identify an animal I spray it with water because there's always that chance it could be a gremlin

   I wouldn't necessarily classify myself as a hater. I'm more like a rational critic of rampant idiocy.

   You can say 'strawberry blonde' all you want. I know a fu*king ginger when I see one.

   I don't sweat the small stuff. I let it fill me with rage. Then I drink. Then I sweat alcohol. It's like the circle of life.

   I bet it gets super awkward when hand models ask for jobs.

   Immature: A word used by boring people to describe fun people.

   So it's okay to kill hookers in video games, but smack one around in real life because you want to negotiate the price and suddenly everyone gets all pissy. Geeze.

   Told my son to break up with his cross-eyed girlfriend, I think she was seeing someone else.

   Just found out I have tinnitus from constant exposure to rape whistles.

   Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.

   Remember when you blow back up the Capri Sun pouches and try to give them to your friend hoping that they will think it's full?

   Just finished everything that I had on my To Do list for today which was just a drawing of a set of boobs on a Post It note.

   My favorite condiment is sarcasm, I put it on everything.

   Smart phones, smart cars, smart everything... Where are all the smart people?

   I think it's impossible to play the Wii without looking like you're competing in a relay race for the Special Olympics.

   We gotta get out of this place..if its the last thing we ever do.!

   starving! i'm so hungry I can eat a face!!! # toosoon?

   Going to a strip club in the middle of the day can be so depressing. Especially if you catch the end of your mom's shift.