Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Men in black 3? How about the fresh prince of bel-air season 7?

   Ladies, Put your boobs back in your shirt, smile instead of doing that duck face and put your middle finger down. Have some self-respect.

   I don't need to watch TNT for drama, I have Facebook.

   In other birthday news, Cory Hart turns 50. He now wears his bifocals at night.

   I texted my girlfriend "goodnight, love you" but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

   I always introduce the women I date to my mom right away. It would be awkward if I didn't, she's the one who drives us to the restaurant.

   yes, people who are incredible still have to take out the trash - Mrs. Hulk

   I bet Biggie and Tupac would be impressed by how Drake and Chris Brown are having a tweet war.

   Does Spiderman cry every time he passes a box of Uncle Ben's rice in the supermarket?

   I'm allergic to people with peanut allergies. I end up choking to death because thats what happens when you put a whole person in your mouth

   ok boys The proper response to give when a girl at the bar agrees to give you her phone number is not "wow, really?"

   Just tried to park my car like Ace Ventura and now me and several other people are on our way to the nearest hospital.

   Reasons people claim to be gay: 3% - are actually gay 97% - forgot to log out of facebook

   No matter how long or how thick they come in, I'm never satisfied!! Damn mascara!!!

   Just once on Cops, Id like to see a shirtless criminal try to skip away from the cops instead of running

   Anyone that says "time is money" has never tried pay for a beer with 15 minutes.

   If you don't listen to songs you loved in high school while you're drunk & cry as you text your HS gym teacher, than neither do I.

   I just found out gorgonzola is a type of cheese, not a dinosaur. Needless to say, tossing my gorgonzola salad was a huge let down.

   The same fat ass who won't get off the couch for days will look like an Olympic speed walker when the pizza guy rings the doorbell.

   I win a lot of arm wrestling matches because of my technique of looking my competitor in the eye while playing footsie under the table.