Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's absolutely hilarious when an idiot tries to convince you and themselves that Android handsets are better than an iPhone.

   Steve Jobs was born out of wedlock, put up for adoption at birth, fired from the company in 1985, dropped out of college, then changed the world. What's your excuse?

   Dealing with backstabbers, there was one thing I learned. They're only powerful when you got your back turned.

   When you can do the common things in life in a uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

   Mess with me? I'll let karma do its job. Mess with my family? I'll become karma.

   How are poor people SO GOOD at finding money for tattoos???

   we have chosen death over life, hatred over peace, arguments over understanding, conflict over family, etc. We are our own worse enemy endangered species!! Sad but true ain't nothing gonna change until dig within self and accept God "within"...

   I don't get these "my body is a temple" people. I prefer to think of mine as a "bar & grill."

   I have a friend with only one eye. I like to show him weird sh*t and tell him "You won't believe your eye!"

   All these years, I just realize........ Can someone please explain to me why the kids from Scooby-Doo were afraid of people in masks, but were totally cool with a talking dog?!

   People will always throw stones in your path ! It dpends on You ! what do You make from it: A “Wall” of difficulties. OR, A “Bridge of success.

   When you realize you just clicked "Send" on a text to the wrong person, and you quickly hit every button on your phone to try and stop it.

   If you wake up from a night of partying with no memory of the night before, Do 3 things; 1.) Count your money 2.) Get tested 3.) Stay the hell away from where you were drinking because you probably pissed someone off.

   The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it's my cellphone

   "Once you go black, you never go back!" I shouted as I threw my 3 week old bananas in the trash.....

   The morbidly obese make the best roll models.

   Gym, tan, listen to tiesto's club life

   Sleep with a girl with a spray tan? No thanks. I'll just stick my d$ck into a bag of Cheetos.

   You're too cute to be single." and you're too ugly to be flirting with me.

   50 Shades of Grey is stupid. They made the movie before the book. It's called porn... and thanks to the internet, it's free.