Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Theory is when you know everything but nothing works, Practice is when everything works but no one knows why.... At work Theory and Practice is combined, as nothing works and no one knows why :)

   "im a good girl" -bad girls

   Brunch with a spork ...that's how I roll

   If Bebier goes to Jail will he come out singing like Eminem ??

   Its that time of the year again, the baithing suit pictures flood our news feed. If I wanted to see all those breats' and thighs, I'd just go to KFC!

   While its always good to honer our service men and women, Memorial Day is to honer FALLEN heros.

   I have been watching that new reality show on the History channel...I had no idea that Bill Paxton hated Kevin Costner....

   Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. So if you see him without an erection... make him a sandwich!

   Mans face eat'n in Miami the Apocalypse has begun.!

   You have to work to get me and you have to work to keep me.

   See?? I told you not to let me hold the chainsaw,,,,,, Now clean up this mess and think about what I've done.

   What do you call a black businessman? A drug dealer.

   Considering how wonderfully the day is going, I think I'm down to plan Q today.

   If you're reading this and you're under 12 years old... Don't grow up, it's a f*cking trap.

   I stole this status... So feel free to use it and amaze your friends... They'll think you're really smart and sh*t!

   A spider the size of a golf ball is in my kitchen so I guess this is my last Sta

   Don't know what I'd do with my life if Facebook didn't notify me that my hundreds of friends changed their profile picture every 5 minutes.

   My wife was absolutely furious when she discovered I had untagged myself from some photos she put on Facebook. I said, "They were really embarrassing!" "Embarrassing???" She screamed, "It was our f*cking wedding day you b@stard!"

   There's something about you I don't like, but I can't seem to put my middle finger on it.

   Women, not all guys talk to you just because they want to get in your pants... Sometimes they want to get in your friend's pants.