Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some days you tame the tiger. And some days the tiger has you for lunch.

   I like girls that smoke weed. You could say I have high standards.

   I walked past a car filled with Mexican teens and they locked all the doors. I was feeling like a bad ass until I realized, it was my damn car.

   I smoked a lot of weed tonite. I'm higher than the crime rates in a black neighborhood.

   The K.K.K. may be worth joining just to find out the name of the brilliant washing powder they use.

   I recently saved a ton of money on my car insurance. By fleeing all scenes of accidents.

   Sometimes I go up the stairs & when I get there, I completely forget what I went up there for. So I masturbate. That's usually the reason.

   When people with lisps say "Bithneth", you know they mean business.

   Look, I only want what's best for me.

   I go to subway to eat healthy, but for whatever reason, I end up making a sub that would fill up a family.

   this girl I met in the bar the other night warned me that she isnt into one night stands...I told her to relax as I'm not into that myself- I said I only do it sitting or lying down

   "You own my heart, she is just renting", said a man caught cheating.

   Don't fall in love, fall off a bridge... Its much less painful

   Some of these stupid post are more the reason why people are dumping Facebook than anything else.

   Don't judge a book by its cover but you can judge a girl by the quality of her baby toe.

   the perfect husband: Brave Intelligent Gentle Polite Energetic Nutty Industrious Sensitive and if all else fails, read the capitals...

   looʞs lıʞǝ ɟɐɔǝqooʞ ıs ɐʇ ıʇ ɐƃɐıu˙˙˙˙˙˙

   BOSS: Built On Self Success.

   We were making out on the couch and She's like "Let's take this upstairs" I'm like "Ok you grab one side and I'll grab the other!"

   Ever since my cell phone fell in to the toilet, I've been getting real sh*tty reception...