Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm doing 'Angry Yoga' tonight. It's just lying on the floor drinking a bottle of whiskey as I shout at my man b00bs.

   Whenever someone describes themselves as curvy, I always picture Owen Wilsons' nose.

   One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, weird... I heard you were better."

   Fellas, you can usually judge a woman's hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a slut.

   Fellas, If a girl switches from Cowgirl to Doggy-Style on her own, without even needing to be told........ you have found a f*ck Goddess.

   Whats the point of a High School Reunion? I have Facebook, I already know you got fat!

   Nowdays spending time thinking for a gud status is quite easier than searching for it here

   What if that guy just found a mountain that looked like those presidents and then told everyone he carved it?

   Oh, you're engaged and in high school? I'm sure your marriage will last forever.

   I want to quit drinking, but my momma didn't raise a quitter!

   Facebook's friend suggestion section should be renamed to "People you know, but probably hate."

   A rejected highfive is one of the biggest insults there is.

   I don't care what the damn expiration date says, I'm smelling the milk before I drink it.

   Don't try to high five blind people Ryan Seacrest, it is awkward.

   Now days spelling "good" is as simple as paying attention in school

   at the end of the day what really matters is not much. if you laughed more than you cried,smiled more than you frowned,told your friends and family that you loved them,and had a pretty good time doing what you do for a living,then it was a good day. go to

   REMEMBER: a noisy BBQ may upset your neighbours. Another great way to annoy them is to throw your rubbish into their garden...

   My wife says she is leaving me because because because because becaaaaauuuuuuuuse,,, she says I'm obsessed with the Wizard of Oz.

   My only argument with using the treadmill,, is that I can't run away from my farts.

   between parkinson's and alzheimer's I would rather have Parkinson's. I would rather spill a little beer than forget where I put it.