Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A huge ass spider crawled across my bed and now I can't sleep because the firefighters are here putting out the mattress flames.

   If your body is a temple, I have a confession to make.

   I think I speak for everyone when I say we hate being spoken for.

   I dream of a world where bl@ck men buy smaller pants and wh!te men buy bigger shirts so we don't have to see all those boxers and beer guts.

   Let the record show the plaintiff wore an Ed Hardy shirt, skinny jeans & Crocs before the assault. Your honor, he was clearly asking for it.

   My gangsta lean is just scoliosis.

   Never getting married. I don't need a piece of paper to tell me it's okay to emotionally torture someone.

   Some People can be so horrible...to look at.

   Sometimes women look at menus like they've never seen or heard of food before.

   When I was growing up, my parents always told me "If you don't have something interesting to post on Facebook, don't post anything at all." Or, something like that....

   a riddle inside an enigma, wrapped in a warm flour tortilla.

   Okay, I have a confession to make. About 15 years ago, on a warm Saturday afternoon, just for a few moments, I stopped believing. Please don't tell Journey!!

   I've been listening and wondering all day, and then it hit me. The ice cream truck isn't going to run because of the holiday.

   I hope Karma punches you in the face before I do.

   You got stretch marks around your mouth b!tch, so don't be playing hard to get.

   If you're going to block me... then you better block all of my friends on FB! Right guys? Guys? Hello? Dammit! :(

   part of a rally rallying for more jobs...I don't get why the police singled me out just because I had the word "blow" before "job" on my placard!

   Jenna Jameson was arrested for a DUI which means she can now add the breathalyzer to the long list of things she's blown.

   Whenever I see someone calling my phone, I wait and see if they will call 10 times, if they don't, it probably wasn't that important.

   I'm fighting the worst case of bad breath EVER! It's tough holding a co-worker down while you brush his teeth.