Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook allows me to see what my life would look like if I had married my girlfriend that I had in my 20s. - Dodged a bullet there.

   Optimists can see the world the way it can become. So, pessimists will never change the world, only optimists can.

   Ever notice the car dealerships commercials with hundreds of people running there to buy there cars...lol that never happens theres no one there..dah.!

   hey... I just met you, and this is crazy, but please shut the f$ck up.

   it considered drinking alone if you're on Facebook?

   I was the kid that would restart the video game whenever I knew I was going to lose.

   The biggest lie I tell myself: I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it.

   Did we give a Nobel Prize to the guy that thought of wrapping other food items in bacon?

   When the zombie apocalypse happens, gamers will survive. It will be up to the dorks to reproduce... they will finally get laid!

   Don't be sad because someone gave up on you. Feel sorry for them because they gave up on someone who would never give up on them.

   I tried to end this farce of a life by jumping off a bridge only to discover that I can fly

   Tell me about a time you made someone feel like sh!t." - airline employee interview question.

   One in two people suffer from chronic suspicion. Could it be the person you're with RIGHT NOW??

   I'm not sure where I went wrong officer. I was only taught "left and right". Is there a blinker thing on here for wrong turns?

   It seems women are not content with just being women these days. First there was Beyonce with “If I was a boy” now there is this Bieber chick with “If I was your boyfriend”

   Please don't trip when I act weird around you, it just means I am comfortable around you.

   I want a girl that can swallow my pride.

   Some people think their religion and political views are “correct” and everyone else to them must be wrong. Some people seem to think their view of what work and life should be (or can be) is the right one…and everyone else is a dumb-dumb.

   Breaking the Seal - Your 1st piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

   Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.