Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I reviewed the statistics, crunched some numbers and calculated the risk and discovered that the chances of me get ran over while sitting on my couch are far less than they are when I am jogging. I must be lazy for my wellbeing.......

   I'm back in the HR office today, apparently "Kill myself" was not an appropriate response when by boss asked me, "What would you do if you were me?"

   I'm not exactly sure what my doctor gave me, but I've decided I like being sick. The walls keep waving at me and saying very complimentary things. It's kinda awesome and I never want to get better.

   My girlfriend might not be the sharpest girl around. I accidentally left my phone at her house last night. I went back over to get it and saw she had texted me 5 times telling me I forgot it.

   Every woman needs find someone who will ruin her lipstick instead of her mascara.

   They don't want to learn they just want to be right!

   Hey dumb ass. Not every thing I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with, Hey dumb ass.

   Lost a friend. Apparently when asked what I would do if I was him, you don't respond "Go home and have sex with my hot sexy wife" isn't good when he is already upset with you

   The first word I want to teach my kid is "brains." Until he/she learns another word, I'll have the cutest little zombie ever!

   Anything you say in a small town can and will be used against you.

   Interesting,,,,, All those years, no one has ever questioned Bob Barker's choice of microphones.

   Note to self: Don't taunt the neighbor's bull dog while wearing flip flops.

   Does anyone know of a way to "block" themselves? I'm tired of reading the sh*t that I post.

   Please print out and redeem this post at your local retailer to receive one free: "What the FRIG is this?"

   My life coach just advised me to,,, "run out the clock"

   Hey,, You know Paula Deen has no one to blame butter self.

   If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.

   unwittingly a dog whisperer! After an argument with my sister I whispered "b*tch" and she said "I heard that"

   its enough gravy when my plate looks like an infinty pool

   im tired of arguing with myself.. I wish I would just stfu and mind my own business..