Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never has there been so many energy drinks yet we've never been more tired.

   Are airline stewards forbidden from saying "Hi Jack," even if the pilot's name is "Jack?"

   If you have little kids and often hire a babysitter, don't plan on doing anything before you check the Justin Bieber concert schedule for your town.

   Facebook should have a limit on how many times you can change your relationship status - after three times it should default to unstable

   DC Comics announces Batman will be coming out of the closet to reveal himself as a homosexual. I'm not surprised, with as much time the boy wonder spent in his cave.

   Just got "The Look" from my dog. You know, the "What the hell you doing??? I drink out of there" look...

   Mirror mirror on the wall, I dont give a shit about seeing snow white and the huntsmen at all.

   While on Facebook, I realized that I don't hate Facebook...I hate people.

   I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.

   So Siri is basically a chick that has no personality and claims to know everything? ...Sounds like my ex!

   Pregnancy tests should read: You're Screwed! or Keep Screwing.

   Jail, I mean school. Sorry, I can't tell the difference

   LIFE TIP: Next time you do something illegal, look serious and carry a clipboard.

   I'm not saying she's a slut... but she's been licked more times than Wonka's Everlasting Gobstopper.

   Best friends have Conversations impossible to understand by other people…

   Don't ever forget the 'L' if you ever Google, 'Grandfather Clock.'

   BREAKING NEWS: President Obama just announced the NEW' American Jobs Act which Is being redefined for unemployment Americans, they will now be classifies as "people with earning disabilities."

   In case I die, please update my status as "no more copy and paste". My password is ********** Thanks

   I knocked down a poop splatter on the toilet wall with my stream... top that!!!

   laughing cow cheese...i wonder what grass those cows eat to laugh so much