Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that.” ツ

   If I ever get Bieber fever, just let the fever kill me.

   Dinner guests coming over later and I forgot to take something out. Does anyone know how to turn beef jerky back into steaks?

   I wish that Hallmark would make a card that says, “Sorry, what was your name again?”

   The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

   Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life. Give an octopus nunchuks, no one's eating fish ever again

   I flirted with disaster last night. Now disaster won't stop texting me.

   Lead me not into temptation... I can find my own damn way

   He's been marinating in honey for years. Don't tell me a rack of Winnie the Pooh ribs wouldn't be tasty.

   Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember.

   I am struck by the ill. Bring me the Quils, both Day and Ny.

   The middle class does not exist. If you believe you are part of the middle class, it just means you're rich and insecure or poor and misinformed.

   “Leftover Bacon” – a phrase you've never heard before.

   Doctors handwriting: ﹏﹏ ﹏﹏ ﹏﹏. What I see: ∮₪₮￦￡. What the nurse sees: Aspirin.

   You never realize what you have till it's gone. Toilet paper is a good example.

   All the Auto-Tune in the world will never ever sound as cool as talking into a desk fan.

   MY Grocery Store is so environmetally conscience it doesnt give paperbags anymore- jsut plastic...OH but they still havent figured out howNOT to give a 3 ft receiept for buying jsut a loaf of bread!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   Mark Zukerberg should have changed his status instead of Married..to "Its Complicated" - looking at his failing IPO

   You'll have to speak up, I can't hear you in the dark.

   Wanna feel old? This years high school graduating class was born in 1995.