Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I know 3 facts about you: 1.You can't say ‘M' without your lips touching. 2.You're trying it now looking like an idiot. 3.Now you're smiling.

   Stop adding people you don't know on Facebook as your “friends”. Friends aren't Pokemon cards, you can't collect them all!

   Nomophobia, the fear of being without a cell phone, is the most common phobia

   I want a drug sniffing dog but for all the wrong reasons

   trying to engineer how to get rid of the electricals

   I don't hate you…I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence

   China thinks they own the entire planet

   i dont know whats worst..hearing dane cooks jokes..or seeing them recycled here all the time

   feeling as sprightly today as Jimi Hendrix... or anyone else who has been dead for 40 years.

   WTF...It should be illegally for a woman to have a nice ass body with a Not so nice face... Its like when GOD was creating her he thought too himself, "You know what would be real funny...." #Mr.Brown

   If anyone asks, I've been here all day. You all are now apart of my alibi... don't f*ck this up!

   Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She's been talking for the last 2 days and doesn't seem ready to shut up anytime soon.

   My computer just told me that "hgsfdahgdf.jpg" already exists... WHAT THE F*CK... I'm buying a lottery ticket.

   Yesterday my coworker gave me the finger but today we're cool... this morning he high 4'd me.

   I spent most of the weekend interacting with real friends instead of being on Facebook. It was a horrible decision.

   Distance is the biggest co*kblocker of them all.

   Half eaten Swiss Cake Rolls taste twice as delicious when snatched from the desperate grip of a small child.

   Wake up!” Me: (~_~) (-_-) (o_-) (-_o) (>_<) (o_O) (o_o)

   FACT: No chick has ever been laid in the back of a PT cruiser . Look it up on Wikipedia.

   Everybody hates that as$hole that takes 5 minutes to back into a parking spot.