Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook has made me a better writer. My work emails are succinct, well-worded, and they make at least one reference to balls, farts, or sex.

   So my neighbor comes over last night and has the nerve to tell me to turn my music down.......So I says "What the heck are you even doing up at 2:00 am in the first place?!"

   The boss phoned and yelled "Are you still asleep?.... You should have been here two hours ago!" I said "Why... what happened two hours ago?"

   For $38 a share, you can own a piece of Facebook. I want to buy that thumbs-up "like button". Anyone want to share that cost?

   Just once, I'd like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say, "ARE YOU SHlT'N ME?!"

   "Let's just be friends" is a woman's way of saying she would rather mutilate her v@gina than sleep with you.

   I like my women like I like my coffee... Hot, Sweet and "That's mine, don't f*cking touch it!"

   The world will be a much better place if everybody took a chill pill... It would be even better if some of them choked on it.

   I don't care how nice my neighbors are, I still wanna put their garden hose in their bedroom window and turn it on around 3 am.......

   the fact that I can order Domino's in my underwear without leaving my bed has proven how far technology has really came.... and how fuc%in' lazy I have also became.

   Instagram...now everyone thinks they're a professional photographer.

   RIP Donna Summer NOW we will never know who left the cake out in the rain

   " ROXY " the world's most sophisticated talking woman robot has a $75,000 price tag.. The silent version is $ 45,000

   Odd,, that Yahoo's search for a new CEO got only one result...

   the WNBA season starts Saturday. In related news, no one gives a $hit...

   Pretending to read your birthday card after the money has fallen out...

   I'd like a $5 dollar footlong"....."That'll be 7.05"....."Bi$ch what??

   I'm not saying blondes are dumb, but I just saw one snorting Sweet & Low because she thought it was Diet Coke.

   When I die, I want My body to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

   The longer I sit in a drive-thru, the more pennies I pay with.