Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   :My girlfriend and I both think she's put on some weight. The difference? She's the only one who says it out loud. Yes, I'm smart

   A friend said lunch tomorrow and lets go "DUTCH" So I showed up with my DUTCH oven ready to go..

   on a scale of Rihanna to Christina Ricci: How big is your forehead?

   I'm thinking about opening an online Facebook rehab clinic.

   Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I'm not reading it.

   I bet Australian storm chasers are bummed out when they realize it's just another Tasmanian devil.

   He's got moves like Jagger.... Sorry.. Palsy.... He's got palsy

   Dear phone. If you wouldn't remind me every ten seconds that my battery was low, I'd be able to finish my status upda

   People come in many colors. Orange should not be one of them.

   With all the talent in America it looks like they could have found someone with it to host and judge the show...

   Friends are like condoms. They are always there to protect you when things get hard.

   WTF is with the "poke" suggestions on Facebook? I just poked TWO guys, thinking that THEY poked ME first?

   I don't understand why you're mad. I used YOUR name as my password, honey! :) Who cares if the "hint" to retrieve it is ....BlTCH?

   If it's a lady, I like to speak quickly in the drive-thru at Burger King by saying: "I have a Whopper!" When they ask: "what would you like on it?" YOU!

   Know your limitations, people. Sometimes certain body cavities just won't stretch that far.

   I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.

   My birthday suit used to fit much better than this…

   it just me or does anybody else miss the days when music on the radio sounded good, made sense, and actually required talent to make?????

   Nice guys finish last. Bad boys finish on her face.

   Well, personally I haven't met Mrs Right but I have met her evil twin, Mrs Always-Right.