Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If anybody needs any light electrical work or masonry done, DM me. I can't help but I like getting messages.

   The best way to tell if you just got your ass kicked and lost the fight? The cops run to him and the paramedics run to you.

   Good looks are so important when choosing a doctor.

   When I was a kid I thought room service was for rich people. Now I realize it's for lazy, hungover people who can't find their pants.

   "I wasn't that drunk." "Dude you logged into Myspace"

   Mark Zuckerberg is 28 today and is worth $100B. Reminds me of when I was 28 and was able to purchase groceries without selling plasma.

   I went to a brothel today, and learnt something new, like, what my neighbor's wife does for a living.

   I've dedicated my life to getting under age prostitutes off the streets. For an hour or so usually.

   Yesterday I posted "Happy Almost Mother's Day!" on this chick I grew up with's Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

   I hope the dudes driving the monster trucks with the silver balls hanging from the trailer hitch appreciates me sprinkling glitter and glue on them. Now their two disco balls.

   Red wine goes with meatloaf, right?

   My hamster died today,he fell asleep at the wheel..

   If you love something, let it go, if it comes back to you, it has really low self esteem and you should exploit that for sexual favor.

   I woke up and didn't see my shadow, so I went back to sleep for 6 more hours. Pretty sure that's doing it right.7

   Last month,, An ancient tampon was found in a cave in the Yucatan... Archaeologists are not sure which period it's from.

   If you ever have to choose between a large Weevil and a small Weevil,, take the smaller one... Cause, you know,,, It's the lesser of two weevils.

   ATTENTION, Good people of the State Mississippi .... Ancestry.com is NOT an online dating service! ... That is all ...

   You know your a$s is ugly when you're the one always asked to take the photo.

   Damn.. who isn't pregnant...?

   Oh, you're a model? What's your agency? Instagram