Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   naming your daughter Penny is setting the bar a little low, isn't it?

   I woke up drunk , so I kept drinking !

   Shout out to all mothers. The fathers know what they did.

   Boy, pregnant women don't like to be called "b!tches" at ALL!

   If you had 4 kids and your wife was pregnant with your 5th, how would you announce it on the Internet? I am asking for a friend.

   My mother taught me RELIGION. “You'd better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

   Nothing lowers the property value on a woman like a thigh bruise.

   That woman's husband on the cover of TIME looks awfully young.

   "You're looking festive today" is not a compliment.

   You'd think with all that money Rihanna is making she'd be able to afford clothes.

   Time magazine's breastfeeding cover is pretty good, but I wish they'd used a hotter three-year-old.

   The loser contestants who come back to sing on finale shows suddenly look like escaped mental patients.

   King Kong has everything on me!

   Steven Tyler looks like a zombie crawling out of a drag queen's hamper.

   To be fair, most marriages are pretty gay.

   I am just a boy standing in front of the internet, asking it to love him.

   I'm sure I have annoying habits as well but lately my wife is doing this thing where she ages.

   Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

   People who bring a bottle of wine to your house really want you to see that they are people who brought a bottle of wine to your house.

   That thing where hypnotists snap their fingers and people fall asleep? Do they make that for kids?