Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When a woman gets the security guard and points at you; that means she's interested right?

   I saw a sign that said 'NO PARKING' so I took out a sharpie & now it says 'NO PARKING UNLESS YOU ARE AWESOME' & now I found a parking spot.

   The only reason I can unfasten a bra with two fingers is because my mom let me practice on her until I was twenty three.

   Yard sales: When you want people to pay for your garbage!

   I think I got the bird flu from that grey goose last night

   If words could kill, I'd sentence you to death.

   i have a new friend who is deaf. It is great that she reads lips. I just wish she would stop highlighting my mouth every time I say something important.

   "Religious moderation is the product of secular knowledge and scriptural ignorance."

   I think I'm going to get the bird flu from the grey goose and wild turkey I'm drinking tonight

   Seventy minus one equals dinner for two.

   How do you get a red wine stain off a baby?

   Kim Cattrall must be pretty tired of acting like she's sexy.

   A great relationship is when you notice your girlfriend has just out-farted your record setting giant fart from 2yrs ago and all you think is ‘Oh my god she did it!!”

   If weddings were for couples there would be men's wedding magazines.

   If someone sends you 5 texts in a row, and you don't respond, that's basically going to be their suicide note.

   If your baby is singing a Nicki Minaj song, I will trip that baby.

   Husband during anniversary dinner, "I love you so much, let's go do it in the alley. I'll give you $30."

   If I'm ever resurrected after I'm murdered I'm going to be one vengeful b@stard.

   I am pretty sure some girls just have babies so they can put it on their Facebook pages.

   What do Chicago Bulls fans do after watching the Bulls win a play-off game?? ... turn off the play station 3