Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My ex assured me that size never matter, but all of her dild@s look like they needed a lamp shade on top.

   My Mom is made entirely of flaws,, Stitched together with good intentions and a pantload of love....Love you Ma.

   I was told to seek help today,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Fair enough,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, help

   My turtle ran away last month.... I'm heartbroken... I tried talking him out of it the entire 2 weeks it took him to reach the sidewalk.

   If you Spend more time with your boys than you do with your girlfriend.YOU GAY!

   Relationships are like garage sales: At a distance it looks like it could be interesting...up close it's just a ton s$it you don't need!

   I ain't doing s$it today. ☑ Mission accomplished.

   Most alcoholic beverages contain all 13 minerals necessary to sustain human life. Drink to your health!

   Some girls are like a blunt... Hit it a couple times, then pass it to your buddy.

   If you can read but still watch The Jersey Shore, please donate your unused literacy to someone who might use it.

   Straight marriage, gay marriage, whatever. Just stop showing me pictures of your kids and we're cool.

   If you're on someone else's Facebook, the cruelest thing to do is probably to actually add the "people you may know."

   ah, Friday! My second favorite "F" word!

   When I die, I'm going to have the Tetris theme played at my funeral... just as my coffin is being lowered into the ground.

   Hardest thing ever? Controlling your laughter at serious times

   It takes two people to fall in love + one to wreck it.

   Why do you have to go so slowly over a "speed" bump?

   [ ] single. [ ] taken. [X] I get about as much attention as a white crayon."

   The pretty girl may get the husband....but the nice girl gets the best man.

   Facing your problems is like facing a bull...either take them by the horns, or run like hell.