Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do the people that should never reproduce have the most kids?!?!

   Hey can I borrow a pencil? "Yeah but it doesn't have an eraser" "Life doesn't have an eraser" "That was deep man.."

   I still let my phone ring a few times before answering when a person I'm interested in calls, so I seem busy.

   I met the girl of my dreams last night, then I woke up.

   Twilight. A love triangle between a mentally handicapped girl, a disco ball, and a hairy pedophile.

   Life isn't about net worth. It's about self worth.

   Ehhhh……. This avocado exfoliating mask tastes nothing like avocado.

   I'm sorry but women make the best defense attorneys. They never let anyone finish a sentence.

   You know you are in the ‘hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”

   anyone else confuse the time with the radio station? sometimes I think I'm running late cause its already 105.9

   Our hearts are drunk with a beauty our eyes could never see.

   Another day....another 0.256832% of a dollar

   Dear Booze: Just when I think nobody cares, there you are, lubricating the slide to rock bottom. WEEEEEEEEEE!

   I must admit, I am a powerful man. I've got more pull than John Travolta at a massage parlor...

   That funny moment when someone replies to your tweet, saying you stole it off a website... Call the police then! *strange person alert*

   Remember when you were young and you liked to blow bubbles? Well, hes back in town and wants you to give him a call...

   Men think about sex every seven seconds. The rest of the time is spent trying to come with a lie when a woman asks, "What are you thinking?"

   They have auto-steer and auto-park on new cars, but I would like to see auto-drivemydrunkass homefromthebar.

   If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it's to stay away from people with blurry faces....... they always seem to attract trouble.......

   Last night my wife is sipping a glass of wine while sitting with me, she says: I love you so much I don't know how I ever live without you! Me: Is it you talking or is it the wine? Her: It's me talking to the wine!