Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent's last sentence in a whiny voice.

   Stealing candy from a baby is actually pretty hard....... They always have adult friends nearby....... and they're loud snitches.......

   Wow, you look EXACTLY like this girl I finger banged behind a Wendys back in high school. Anyway, I'm Will and I'm here for the job interview.

   0 mutual friends, you're not even from my country, how the f*ck did you find me!?

   When your drunk, leftovers aren't so bad....... this may or may not be about food.

   I believe in life after death, so I'm hoping my ex comes back as me, so I can get my stuff back.

   If I like your status, please know that I'm mumbling "Screw you for being funnier than me" under my breath.

   "If at first you don't succeed skydiving definitely isn't for you."

   Think...we have imaginary farms, cities and animals. It's OK to poke people and write on walls...Facebook is a mental hospital and we are all patients!!!

   If I was to ever own a race horse I would name it "Two Trailer Park Girls" and train it to go 'round the outside just I can hear the caller do an Eminem impression!

   who do these people at Burger King think they are? Dont they know i'm an Ebay power seller,, and have over 70 friends on Facebook??,,,,FOOLS !!

   Give me a fish,, & I'll cook you dinner.. Teach me to fish,, & I'll just be sitting there in the boat with you and gettin drunk..

   Being broke has shortened my wife expectancy.

   Sometimes stapling water to a tree is much easier than convincing an idiot.

   I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue represent freedom until they are flashing behind you.

   ‎"Till Death Do Us Part" should just be changed to "Till Sh!t Happens" during the wedding vows, coz people don't wait for “Death” anyways.

   I find pregnant chicks sexy...I think it's because I know for a fact that they put out

   To a man, the sweetest sound on Earth is the sexual moan of the woman he's pleasuring!

   No working during drinking hours!!

   Some people say having a child is the best experience in the world. These people obviously never had 2 thing fall from a vending machine at once.