Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are dating now,& apparently it's getting serious. Kanye is who she wants to spend the rest of the month with.

   The secret to life - Replace one worry with another.

   i lifted this heavy object till I farted, I had to apologize to the guy in the other urinal

   Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest natural resources which must be preserved at all costs.

   Cinco de Mayo. I don't see what the big deal is. The Mexicans were victorious over the French.........who can't beat the French

   I will gather my Grandchildren around for one of my bedtime stories. Like todays story about the "Cinco De Mayo",, a riviting yet sad tale of a ship, laden with mayonaise,,, which sinks off the coast of Mexico.(cue background music, Wreck of the Edmund..)

   Happy Cinco De Miracle Whip ... I DON'T CARE FOR MAYO :)

   Well on and on and on and on I can't stop y'all 'til the early morn' So rock y'all tick tock y'all to the beat y'all C'mon and rock y'all I give thanks for inspiration It guides my mind along the way*RIP MCA

   It's a good thing most mens rooms have changing tables because sometimes I need to lay down after I poop.

   The 5th of May. It's the only day Californians don't wake up to the sound of leaf blowers. 23 hours ago Comment Like

   Very excited for tonight's super moon, but I'm not looking forward to hearing the Mexican-werewolves............

   ‎69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.,

   Happy "Another excuse to drink" Day!

   The best time to give kids advice is when they're still young enough to believe you.

   I'd sure like to "Up" a "Ton'' of something in Kate Upton.

   I'd like to title myself as self unemployed ...

   If you haven't celebrated Cinco de Mayo with a sink full of Mayo while each person bobbs for Mexican midgets than you are doing it wrong.

   It's cool to visit Mount Rushmore and remember the good old days, when a four-headed rock monster was President.

   May the fifth be with you? Tequila!

   Dude, you was that drunk..... When I asked you what happened to the bottle of Tequila you said...."I plead the Cinco de Mayo"