Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being right isn't nearly as important as knowing when to shut the hell up.

   It's Friday and I have the directions to Margaritaville!!

   Hey,,,You knew what you were getting into when you friended me...

   I saw some stupid thugs outside of JC Penny's with their pants a saggin'...Idiots had no idea that the pants 20% off was inside the store.

   Woman's tongue & Man's eye. Rest Only when they die.!

   Took a whole week for my neighbor who only watches the Discovery Channel to realize thieves had replaced his TV with an aquarium.

   The scene was in Braveheart not Gladiator, get your movies straight

   Wearing socks is as close as I'll ever get to mopping.

   I love it when I get things delivered that I ordered when drunk. Its like a gift from drunk me to sober me .

   an idiot!!! there... happy now? thanks for all of your anonymous contributions too.

   Unicorns aren't extinct - they just gained weight and are now called rhinos.

   If you're single and looking to score, never bring girls to a bar... that's like bringing apples to an orchard.

   Apparently "preparing myself for Cinco de Mayo" is not a good reason to be drunk at work today, who knew?

   I come up with all my best ideas when I'm drunk.

   If you fear rejection, get a job trying to hand out free samples at the mall food court, problem solved!

   Women are designed for two things: making babies and making sandwiches, and they need help with the first one.

   Hey Friday! How ya been buddy?

   I don't know if my stomach is growling cuz I'm hungry or if that's my liver crying cuz it's the weekend.

   In need of someone to go down and perform routine maintenance. Apply within.

   If someone doesn't appreciate your presence, make them appreciate your absence.