Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest sh!t.

   That episode of Star Trek where Superman goes on a blind date with Rosie O'Donnel is on. Also, how much NyQuil is too much?

   Apologizing does not always mean you are wrong. It just means that you value your relationships more than your ego

   Cat: Meow … Me: Meow? … Cat: Meow meow … Me: Oh my lord. I speak cat.

   No matter how many times I've been done wrong, I'll continue to be faithful, honest, and loving; sooner or later someone will appreciate it.

   You would think that by now those dumbass sickos that get busted on Dateline NBC's show To Catch a Predator would just haul ass as soon as they saw the clothes basket.

   The economy is so bad I just heard a guy ask a lady if she would like to go out for dinner OR a movie.

   I think it would be cheaper to just buy stamps and mail my car back and forth to work.

   I had a very akwrd moment in the checkout line today. I grazed a lady's boob... It was embarrassing for both of us and the two people between us too.

   Dear Face Wash Commercials, nobody actually splashes their face with water like that. Sincerely, my whole damn bathroom floor is wet.

   I think I'm going to start taking steroids. I don't care about muscles, I just want to be able to cross my legs more comfortably.

   I have a dead friend on my Facebook. Is it wrong that I send her game requests so I can get credits?

   Two weeks 'til America's Got Talent. Judges: A has been radio jock. An unfunny comedian. And a woman who's husband would have never advanced on this show.

   98% of Facebook is women telling each other how great they look.

   I keep my head held high because I know there's a beautiful deaf, mute & blind woman out there that's going to find me irresistible one day

   I hope my memory foam mattress doesn't remember everything...

   I was going to pull over and let the dogs drive for a little while; but they've already had a few drinks.

   Guys that can pass for pregnant shouldn't be allowed to take their shirt off in public.

   Mowed the yard today and threw my clippings in the neighbors yard........ #SuburbanThugLife*

   Jokes about German sausage are the wurst