Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Take your pleasure seriously.

   Only dead fish go with the flow.

   I'm gonna get one of those giant, old-timey bicycles. You know the type, where if you tipped over you fell 20ft. and died..... yeah,,one of those

   You can tell how well people cut their grass,, by the way they color things in,, on "Draw Something."

   Yes, I hate you,,, but I'm not in hate, with you.

   It is a FACT: Girls with cats, are WAY more single than girls with dogs.

   NEWS FLASH: The Bush's baked beans dog finally speaks out, says dogs actually hate Sarah McLachlan.

   that whenever a bird craps on my windshield, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just to let them know what I am capable of.

   Guys, it is true. Size DOES matter. When have you ever been satisfied after she brings you a small sandwich?

   I'm taking my Bon Jovi sat-nav back to the shop.It keeps telling me I'm halfway there.

   I just had a cup of coffee "So Bad",, that it actually played bass guitar for Nickleback........... Horrible coffee,,,Yuck,,Ptuuey..

   "I'm not mad." - My wife when she's mad,,, Well,, actually EVERY woman when she's mad

   I bet the Chinese get excited when it's raining cats and dogs. Must be like a buffet for them.

   *Low battery* *Low battery* *Low battery* Well apparently you have enough battery to Remind Me every 2 seconds

   Dear fad following teenage girls, could one of you at least clean the mirror before taking your photo, and we'd like to thank you all for showing us 1 disgusting bathroom after another. Love, the world.

   Its so frustrating watching someone close to you make all the wrong choices & decisions...but I guess you need to sit back & let them learn

   Sometimes when I pee I whip it out a little to aggressively and the urinal is all like, "Woh, big fella."

   Tip: Instead of doing that thing where you obviously crop your ex out of the photo, you could actually just take a new picture.

   If I ask my mom to take a picture for me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "IT'S THE BUTTON ON FRONT!"

   100% of the people that talk sh!t about your life, have sh!ttier lives than you.