Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I agree with you we'd both be wrong

   I must love my work...I love to sit and stare at it for hours....that's love right????

   I wonder if Buzz and Woody ever met some of Andy's mom's toys. Especially since they probably have the same names.,

   Today I saw something that reminded me of you. But don't worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal. ;-)

   I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, 'I'd so tap the sh!t out of that.'

   Anytime a bird takes a crap on my car, I eat an entire plate of scrambled eggs on my porch. Just to show the birds what I'm capable of.

   Sex is like high school...you miss a period and you're in trouble.

   Today I saw a baby with a bib that said 'This dumbass put my cape on backwards.'

   If Facebook ever shuts down. You'll see people roaming the streets shoving pictures in others faces screaming 'Do you like this!?!?!.. DO YOU!?!?!'

   Admit it, at least once in our life we have all tried to balance the light switch between the on and off position.

   They say your body is your temple. My body is more like a Popeye's, everything is fried inside & everything is scary outside.

   "London Resident will have stationed on their rooftops batteries of surface to air missiles during the Olympics" ...What the hell are the expecting? The London Blitz of 2012?

   When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say "Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh?"

   If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don't hit me again officer...

   Do I care if you hate me? Do you wanna know the truth? C'est la vie....adiós....good riddance....fuckyou!

   President Obama's new campaign promise: " In my first term, I sang Al Green. In my second term, I'm going with Young Jeezy."

   Happy Birthday Willie Nelson! I'll Burn a Fatty for ya Sir!

   *coming soon* "Toy Story 3"....Buzz and Woody meet some of Andy's mom's toys, that incidentally have the same names.

   Who do you suppose was the first person to ever kick butt and think, "Hey, I know, I'm gonna start taking down some names too."

   I feel like we should wait to hear Adele's ex-boyfriend's songs before we choose sides.