Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I saw my therapist today, she didn't see me....grin..

   I'd tell you a joke about my p*ssy...but you'd never get it!!!!!!!

   Life has a weird way of working out if you take enough booze and drugs

   I could be a sports analyst because I'm good at saying "at the end of the day" and "arguably".

   Whenever someone asks, "Can I be perfectly honest with you?" The answer should always be, "No."

   Glass blowers always go glass to mouth

   My password is ***********.

   My size 28 girlfriend decided to go to an aerobics class, she bent, twisted, gyrated, and jumped up and down for an hour. But by the time the fat c*nt had got her leotard on, the class had finished!

   Medical fact: If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day it increases the chance of a stroke. If you let her finish the bottle she'll probably suck it as well!

   I took the Mrs to the doctor's as she had a golf ball stuck up her arse. He said" f*ck me, that's up a fairway"!

   Paddy goes on a 1st aid course, the instructor asks him what would you do if your child swallowed the front door key? Paddy said i'd climb through the window.

   Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore... a friend of mine was wearing one when he was stabbed by the woman's husband!

   The worst thing about being a penguin is after you're in an argument, you'll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute.

   My epileptic wife had a seizure in a bathtub full of water so I threw in some dirty laundry and laundry detergent. WIN !!!

   When I get in an elevator, before I press a button, I turn around look at everyone inside and say: "Okay people, are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?"

   Dear girls calling themselves Barbie: I hope you realize a barbie is 100% plastic and brainless.

   You call them enemies, I call them people who wish they were me.

   Sex without love is like ice cream without sprinkles… still pretty awesome.

   ‎"Give it to me!" she said, "I'm so wet, give it to me right now!" And I replied, “Screw you, it's my umbrella!”

   Let's play truth or dare. Or maybe just dare because no one knows how to tell the truth anymore.