Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fear exists for one purpose, to be conquered....

   If David Hasselhoff doesn't describe his workouts as "sweating his asseloff," well then screw him!

   His O face?? Him playing air guitar whilst having an enema and having his nostril electrocuted whilst his chest is being waxed..mmmmm

   pounding vicobeer at 11 in the morning!

   Life is your audition for heaven or hell.

   SWAGGER is temporary but CLASS is permanent!

   Oh, you're having a bad day? In 1976, Ronald Wayne sold his 10% stake in Apple for $800. Now it's worth $58,065,210,000.

   My money keeps unfriending and unfollowing me.

   Why do they call it "the birds and the bees"? I can't imagine those two getting freaky with each other."

   One secret has kept our relationship going for all these years; whenever we argue and are mad at each other, we go to bed naked that night.

   Let's get drunk and cuddle, coz I want to cuddle your brains out tonight.

   Snooki has written another book, which is an amazing accomplishment considering she's still trying to learn how to read her first one.

   Pre-ejaculatory fluid - It's a sign of things to come.

   I wrote a book called "How to Pick up Girls." Page 1 says: "Maybe buy a motorcycle? I dunno?" The rest is just pictures of people shrugging. (

   I'm ok with house hunting as long as it's done humanely and you eat all the houses you kill.

   I did a half hour on the treadmill each day last week. This week, I'm up to 1 hour a day. I'm slowly building up to actually turning it on some time in the future.

   Giraffe/camel...same thing. Unless you're looking at the toes.

   You hate yourself? Cool, I guess we do have something in common. I hate you too. Let's date

   Who said nights were for sleep? ― Marilyn Monroe

   How to trick an idiot → (Click here for more...)