Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's no woman in the world more beautiful than the one lying next to you...............at that time :)

   if a cannibal eats a vegetarian does that count as a full course meal?

   It's all fun and games until your iPhone is at 10% power

   Sometimes I need what only some people can provide: Their absence.

   Apparently! My son say's i'm not old skool, I am in fact lame......Well I was so shocked I could of thrown my walkman at him.

   People usually complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.

   Just noticed a sign on a pub door saying Guide Dogs Only. Possibly the most niche pub ever.

   I've tried experimenting with drugs. Putting acid in my wife's tea has been the funniest yet.

   “What's marriage like?” “Oh, can't complain.” “That's good.” “No, she just won't let me.”

   Now they're saying cigarettes can cause rectal cancer. I'll be okay though, I'm always very careful to put them in my mouth.

   You know you are in for a sh!t day when you're sitting in the waiting room of an abortion clinic with your girlfriend & your wife walks in.

   I like to stare at people. If they try to leave I put one finger on my ear and say The Buffalo is roaming. I repeat The Buffalo is roaming.

   If you come into my office smelling like sweet and sour chicken, there's a 33% chance I will lick you if these HR complaints are accurate.

   The hardest part about solving this Magic Eye poster is that Seal keeps telling me to stop staring at his face.

   One of these days I'm staying home, and sending my hologram to work instead!

   Copper wire was invented by two Jews fighting over a penny.

   Every time I consider being healthy, I remember pizza.

   Who says white men can't rap? Have you ever been to an auction?

   Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except for you.

   Throwing lamps at people that need to lighten up...