Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wasn't sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a dragon and sh*t myself.

   You hate yourself? Cool, I guess we do have something in common....... I hate you too. Let's date.

   "I wasn't that drunk!" Dude, you told my mom you're no weather man, but she can expect a couple inches tonight.

   Went deep-sea fishing with my neighbor yesterday. He was tough to get on the hook, but you should see the shark I caught!

   My contact lenses have just fell out and fell down the toilet.. Now I can't see sh!t.

   I am sick but I must say that I am extremely sexy with my hair all mushed up and my body glistening with Vicks rub...

   Don't ask my opinion right now.. I am completely honest when I'm sick..

   The fairies say I drank too much cough syrup but I don't believe in fairies so...... Wait

   I'ma punch Cap'n Crunch on the roof of his gums if I ever meet him .

   Best part of golf, Getting to wash your balls every hole.

   my doctor told me not to lift anything heavy for a few weeks. I have to sit when I pee now.

   I'm writing a book about reverse psychology.. Please don't buy it.

   It's that time of the year again where the trees are having sex. I wouldn't mind it except my car seems to be getting the money shot and I'm the one who has to clean it up.

   Does anyone know any strippers that accept ATM cards,

   When you go down I go up, and I'm not talking about a seesaw either.

   Realizing that most human behavior can be related to that of the spermatozoa in which they came from. Everyone has to be first, in front, next in line. Look folks, you made it to the egg first, you're here now, just f***ing relax already!

   Dude, you're driving a Jeep, surely you can take a speed bump faster than 4mph...

   The power of the human brain is amazing!!!! Did you know if you pretend to take a salt shaker and shake it on your tongue, you will ACTUALLY taste salt???!!!

   Sea levels aren't rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking.

   Just saw Steven Tyler in a Burger King commercial... There's no punchline. That in itself is funny.