Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Big Sunglasses: An ugly chick's best friend.

   The best way to get over your ex? Get under someone else!

   This Donut-Scented Car Air Freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

   Don't talk to me until I've had 7 coffees.

   You never realize you need toilet paper until it's too late.

   If breakups never existed, the music industry would go BANKRUPT.

   When I'm on the phone I move my arms around when I'm giving directions even if the person can't see me.

   Just remember, someone loves everything you hate about yourself.

   B*tch you're a booty call!! Stop putting your relationship status as "it's complicated"

   when everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

   I dont know whether to cut my veins or let them grow...

   Being skinny with abs is like being fat with big boobs... doesn't count.

   TSA told me to report any suspicious activity, and they got mad when I told them I saw a black guy leaving a tip at one of the restaurant

   I wish relationship history was as easy to delete as browser history.

   Well, it's almost that time of year I find out who my real friends are when I start getting calls from friends I haven't heard from since last Summer. You know, since I have a swimming pool and all.

   I do my best Kool Aid Man wall busting impression when I arrive at a party and find out there's no booze.

   Every time I get really drunk I start acting like I'm British, and by that I mean I drive on the left side of the road.

   Pissing me off is like kissing a Rattle Snake... it's just not a good idea.

   When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.

   This guy told me that he can see the future but he didn't even try to duck when I punched him in the face.