Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thank you Facebook. If not for you, I would be jealous of my friends thinking their life isnt boring.

   "I was playing chess with my friend and he said ‘Let's make this more interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

   My wife went out shopping and brought home the escalator. It was marked down.

   What's the difference between a woman and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

   A message to black belts age 10 and under: I feel like I have what it takes to beat you.

   fat girls need more lovin. And more bacon...and more fries...and a large diet coke...

   When your dreams turn to dust....its time to vacuum.

   Okay everyone hold.... HOLD... we will slide down and all attack at once!" - Ice cubes in the bottom of a cup.

   I found a used condom in my box of Corn Flakes.... I think it was the work of a cereal rapist

   Today I was pulled over by a woman cop... I didn't know kitchens had speed limits

   I fear the day I get so drunk that I actually accept Facebook's request to change my profile over to Timeline.

   Dear women of Jersey Shore, You're making me look bad. Sincerely, Orange.

   I was playing with my new toaster in the bathtub today then I read the warning label and it said not to. I was shocked.

   When I was your age, I had to download porn on a dial up connection.

   Women are a Weapon of Cash Destruction.

   Decided to get in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich!

   I don't know exactly who's health I'm drinking to, but they're going to be immortal at this rate

   All we need to keep us happy - is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done!!!

   If you don't purposely get face soap in your nostrils to blow bubbles, you're not as self entertained as me.

   make me an alligator sandwich and make it snappy