Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's always a little truth behind every "just kidding", a little reason behind every "just wondering", a little knowledge behind every "I don't know", and a little feeling behind every "I don't care".

   You know you've done a great job when somebody you DON'T know LIKEs your status.

   Admit it, we've all tried to splash water in our face like the commercials.

   LIKE if you text someone a paragraph and then 30 minutes later you get a lame reply saying "LOL".

   LIKE If you've ever laughed so hard, no noise comes out, so you sit there clapping like a dumbfounded seal.

   Reading someone's status and thinking 'OH CRY ME A RIVER'

   LIKE if you know someone who needs a smack in the face with a shovel.

   It's funny how once they see that you're doing better without them, some people decide that they want you back.

   The good thing about having a bad memory is that jokes can be funny more than once.

   Don't you hate it when you have an older family member on Facebook and they comment on EVERYTHING you do.

   "If you focus only on yourself and neglect others, you will lose; but you will gain if you value others as much as you cherish yourself." - Dalai Lama

   Oh a spider. You are tiny. I am a great big person. I am a grown up. I can handle this. You are tiny. I am a great big pe- OMG IT MOVED!!

   Thanks to Facebook, I now know what everyone's bathroom looks like 1 mirror at a time.

   "Who's that?" "What are they doing?" "What's happening?" ; "Shut the hell up and watch the movie ffs".

   The fact that music can induce goosebumps, draw a tear, inspire, and connect is one of my favorite parts of being a human.

   Pick a number, double it, add 10, divide it by 2, then minus it by the number you started with. LIKE if you got 5.

   Girls if you are looking for your superman.. go read a comic

   Does anyone really "Laugh Out Loud" when they write LOL?

   Do you want to speak to the manager or someone who knows whats going on?

   You don't lose weight; you get rid of it, unless you intend on finding it again.