Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I ever swallow something potentially life-threatening and I need to induce vomiting, I hope you're around to make it easier.

   I have more money now than I did when I went out last night. Which means I exchanged goods and/or services while drunk. Not good.

   Steal a couple of sips from the soda fountain at McDonalds and everyone looks the other way but do it at the taps at Outback Steakhouse and all hell breaks loose... geesh!

   No thanks, 5 Hour Energy, I'd rather have a 5 Hour Nap.

   Anyone care to tell me 1) Why, when brushing my teeth, I raise my eyebrows AS FAR AS THEY WILL GO? And 2) How long has this been going on?

   I went to see a phsycic last weekend and she told me that I would be coming into money. Last night I f*cked a girl named Penny. Spooky or what.???

   Dudes: Women LOVE IT, when you're man enough to just walk away from an argument... Unless the argument is with THEM. Then... YOU'RE a PUSS!

   there's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

   I hate when ppl are like "Hey, what kinda shot is this?" Idk the stfu and take it cause its a free shot

   Boss just calls me into work for a quick favor & the first thing he asks me is "Are you sober?" I said "Define sober." He hangs up. I win...

   Watching the news right now and the news lady is going to a hot dog eating contest. She just said she is going to see how many wieners she can fit in her mouth at once. I spit coffee on my computer.

   I just had to unfriend someone on FB; she played too many games.

   Theres nothing hotter than when guys stare at my cleavage while I pretend to be offe ded

   theres nothing hotter than when a guy stares at my cleavage amd I pretend to get offended....

   Liking" a picture at 2AM on Facebook is more like "I would LIKE to have sex with you.

   I wonder if that McDonald's in Saint Louis is ever going to finish their giant sign...?

   Health insurance and homeowner's insurance are the same thing to a turtle.

   If you love something, let it go, if it comes back to you, it has really low self esteem and you should exploit that for s@xual favors

   statistics show that 97 % of dead people will stop posting statuses.

   Was the little pig who built his house out of straw some sort of f*cking idiot?