Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I tell people my ass is tight because I work out when in actuality it's from all the squatting in the woods.

   I don't want a baby because they're way too lazy.

   I sometimes like to call the Suicide Hotline before having a wank Nothing makes me hornier than a woman begging me not to do it.

   "The Lucky One"?, More like the unlucky one's who get dragged to that movie by their gf or spouse.

   It's crazy to think that before Facebook all this crap stayed in people's heads

   No doesn't mean no. No means work on the neck, the nipples try back in five minutes.-Daniel Tosh

   having a one night stand.......because all my furniture has been repossesed and I've got nowhere to sit or rest!

   This donut scented car air freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

   Best friends in life are those who stand behind you during bad times… To know who our best friends are, just look at your marriage photo album…

   Dad's writes on son's Facebook wall: "Dear Son, How are you? All are fine here. We miss you a lot. Please!! TURN OFF THE COMPUTER & COME DOWN FOR DINNER!!!

   WAIT,,,I Just read that grizzly bears can run faster than horses?. THEN WHY AREN'T WE RIDING GRIZZLY BEARS?

   Employee: I got to have salary increase. Three other companies are after me. Boss: Really? Which are the three companies? Employee: The electric company, the telephone company and the gas company.

   Good resolutions are like beautiful girls: they are easy to make but hard to keep

   Just came across a Hannah Minx video on Youtube....Looks like I'm gonna be spending alot of time learning Japanese.

   I took beano in honor of earth day and I'm not gonna dump my ash tray till tomorrow...

   The US may be 25th in math scores, but we think we're 12th!

   I'm sad I'll never get to see the joy and confusion on some archeologist's face when, in a few thousand years, he tries to explain the "Shake Weight" ..

   My wife doesn't appreciate that I love her mother in law more than I love mine.

   I planted something on Earth Day... My ass in my recliner for the day!

   I understand that your heart is in the right place. Unfortunately, your head is up your ass, and I ain't goin in after it.