Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Seven Dwarfs of Facebook: Drunky, Stoney, Skanky, B!tchy, Lonely, Creepy, Stalky

   Kids are supposed to be so tech savvy these days but my 9-month-old just wants to lick my iPhone.

   If you had a donkey and it ate a roosters feet and got sick, would you call the vet and say your ass doesn't feel good because there is two feet of c0ck in it?

   They should make car gas tanks more realistic, in the shape of asses.

   Why would people send a friend request, without saying a word? It's almost like sitting on the train and staring at the stranger's eyes for 20 minutes...SMH

   Turns out "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop" is NOT an effect pick-up line.

   I hate it when I'm trying to kill a spider but then I lose track of it and I become a victim in my own home

   My Mom + My Dad - Condom = Greatest Person Ever

   I've seen a lot of people discussing the Tupac hologram and debating if it's disrespectful to him. I personally think we're losing sight of what's really important here... we're one step closer to having holographic strippers in our living rooms!

   Fat Chicks, if you're going to order a salad with ham, dressing, croutons, and bacon, just order a sandwich.

   Pretty sure I could make an entire meal with the crumbs in my keyboard.

   WORD OF ADVICE: The key to a lasting relationship is keeping the fights clean and the sex dirty.

   Wal-Mart needs to change their slogan to "what has been seen can never be unseen."

   With the required pants and how flexible my girlfriend has become, Yoga is a win for both of us.

   Sea levels aren't rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…

   Count your life by smiles, not tears. Count your age by friends, not years.

   The best way to make people remember you? Borrow money from them

   Added to my bucket list today: Figure out what the hell 'Snow' is saying in the song 'Informer'.

   Always be positive. *Trips down the stairs* "Wow, I got down those stairs fast!"

   Son: "Dad, I had sex for the first time tonight!" Dad: "Congrats son, have a beer! Have any questions?" Yes dad I do...."how long will my ass hurt?"