Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Grades don't measure intelligence, and age doesn't define maturity.

   Two types of people that annoy me: Drunk people when I'm sober. Sober people when I'm drunk.

   Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But shout it at them German, Because life is also terrifying and confusing.

   Crying is not necessarily a sign of weak character. Sometimes it is a sign of strong onions.

   If your relationship status says, " It's complicated" then you're single!!!!!!

   Everyone has that friend that needs to stop bumming and buy their own pack of cigarettes.

   Ladies, If you would simply make your Facebook profile pic a bikini shot, it would save me a lot of awkward stalking time.

   Facebook should invent a relationship status that says "Only when i'm drunk."

   Sex burns 25.7 calories per minute, with that being said, wanna work out? ;)

   Accidentally used AOL.com to search for something today. I feel like everyone who works there probably high-fived each other and got really hopeful about the future.

   Being in a relationship is not about kissing, dates or showing off. It's about being with the person who makes you happy.

   Half way thru the day and I'm just realizing *now* I've got my pants on inside-out. Hello, Wednesday.

   Appreciate the little things. Hug a midget

   I am sure that in alcohol are female hormones. When I drink I talk too much and dont know how to drive.

   Yo, Tupac, I'm really happy for you; I'mma let you finish... but Princess Leia had the best hologram of all time. All time!

   D ick Clark has passed, we cant ring in the new year, well played mayans, well played

   some girls are such sluts I wouldnt even poke them on Fackbook

   Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, I have a Gun , get in the Van

   somedays it hardly seems worth it to chew through the leather straps

   If I'm ever attacked by a gang of clowns, don't worry about me, cause I'll imediately "go for the juggler."