Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The phrase, "Don't take this the wrong way" has a zero percent success rate

   I don't understand why you can lead a horse to water but you can't make a teenager do the dishes.

   Coworker just said "I need a thick black one." She was talking about a marker but I'm still reporting her to HR for sexual harassment.

   It's a sad day when someone dies. Unless you're in the will.

   When I'm down on a woman I'm never thinking outside of the box.

   When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.

   If I could pick one famous person, living or dead, to spend a day with, I'd pick Kim Kardashian,,and choose dead.

   My 3yo asked where the bathroom was at the park because he had to pee. I said Son,,, you're a boy....The world is your toilet..

   HEY!!,,,,,They're not letting me post during the intervention for my Facebook addiction.

   My blended dairy drink attracts young men to my yard & they proclaim its superiority to yours...I can give tutorage,, but require compensation.

   I don't care if it's 2-1 or 64-31 aslong as it's more than double thums down i'm happy happy joy joy!

   I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog

   Theres a new movie coming out starring Miley Cyrus...Its name? "LOL"...the Mayans were right people..

   The Mayans were right. There will be no new year this year, first sign...D!ck Clark is dead.

   I walk around while brushing my teeth because I get bored standing there

   Men who are single, are single by choice. Women who are single, are single because they're b@t $hit cr@zy.

   The phrase, "Don't take this the wrong way" has 100 percent REPOST success rate

   Batman has a lot of cool toys,, but if he uses anything but a laser pointer to catch Catwoman in the next movie,, I'll be really disappointed.

   The bad part about getting my hand stuck right now in a Pringles can is that I can't get it out,, because my other hand is stuck in a Pringles can.

   Happines is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it.