Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's not that I need Anger Management, it's that others need Stupidity Management.

   Go deep throat a cactus.

   If you had a terrible childhood,,, you're gonna be REALLY-bummed out by Bank of America's options for security questions.

   So I read the 1st page of Hunger Games... And fell asleep.

   y'all keep saying Rhianna has a big forehead your wrong! Its more like a fivehead.

   Only users lose drugs!

   Harry Potter Pickup Line: You don't have to say "lumos maxima" to turn me on.

   If you ever want someone to call you back, leave a message saying: "Hey! I've got extra tickets to"....and hang up. Works every time.

   I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

   Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

   Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion

   When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

   24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?

   Honey, I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder...

   Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

   An apple a day keeps the doctor away... so does having no medical insurance!

   I really think the Mars Rover is scouting for the next Wal-Mart Superstore site.

   Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding!

   has anyone spoken to bigfoot lately?

   Yo Hologram Tupac, I'm real happy for you and I'ma let you finish but Obi-Wan Kenobi was one of the best holograms of all time!