Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   tries to read books that will make me look good if I die in the middle of reading them.

   I don't have a dirty mind. I have a sexy imagination.

   Reminder: Everybody be sure to get your taxes in on time! We wouldn't want the secret service to go unfunded and miss out on the important work they must do!

   Man, I just got sucked into the internet and lost an hour. Hi, my name is Scott and I am an idiot...

   If you throw a baseball and hit the Target logo the store drops into a tank of water.

   New aerobic workout: step outdoors without mosquito spray. And TRY to keep them off of you.

   Come on everybody! Let's go to the beach today!

   One of the worst things to contemplate while driving is 'where are my pants.'

   HEY,,,I've already lined up an auctioneer to read my eulogy...... No one likes drawn out funerals.... You're welcome.

   BTW,, I won't walk a mile even in my own friggin shoes,,,, So,,

   Hey cell phone companies.. Can I tell me where I can find 4g? Oh there is none? Cause 4g is really 3g jus like xfinity is comcast!

   The most exquisite pleasure is giving pleasure to someone you love.

   I'm not sure about you guys, but I'm pretty sure if she can sell seashells by the sea shore, she also has pretty big boobs.

   One of my friends just called me and said his internet was not working...I told him to reset his router and he said "I can't, it's in my neighbors house" LOL

   The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

   It is so nice that so many people have learned the golden rule "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". The unfortunate part is... no one talks to anyone anymore!

   Why do people think that Jesus is coming back? It's not like he was nailed to a f-kin boomerang

   The problem with Facebook is that everybody is on it. We plan to build a competing social network with nobody on it. - GOOGLE

   Can you still get a girl pregnant on a "pull out" couch?

   H.O.E.S = Happily offering everybody sex.