Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh, you think you're ugly? I believe you spelled attention seeking wh$re wrong.

   Ghetto counting: 1) Wahh. 2) Two. 3) Three. 4) Foe. 5) Fieee. 6) Sih. 7) Selm. 8) Ate. 9) Naa. 10) Teh. 11) Lem. 12) Twehh.

   I hate when fat women can't cook... Ummm okay, woman you just fat for no reason?

   Handicap people should get a $200 ticket for parking in the regular spots.

   President Obama recently released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. You know what that means? Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama.

   BREAKING: Tupac died again today when a member of his posse tripped over the extension cord.

   At McDonalds last night the dude gave me the wrong flavored McFlurry. I threw it back at him and screamed back, "You McF*CKED UP!"

   Sunglasses allow an individual to stare at people without them knowing. It is Facebook in real life.

   *Fat chick posts a picture on Facebook* "Fresh out the shower. (; " Me: "You spelled ocean wrong."

   let me be your next instagram

   i love you as much as the first piece of bead that nobody claims

   "H3y what r yhu dooinq?" ... About to throw a dictionary at your face.

   longing for the 80's. Long hair, long guitar solos, long pubes...

   (Oh) = Stop talking to me. (K) = I'm done talking. (Whatever) = f*ck you. (Fine) = f*ck it. (I guess) = I don't give a f*ck.

   My ex left me for some balding, over-weight, less intelligent, less attractive, less financial secure person.

   Eating Taco Bell is like sleeping with your ex. I feel horrible afterwards and I'm always drunk when I do it.

   A good way to breakup with your girlfriend is to introduce her as your ex girlfriend at parties. It softens the blow.

   You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life. - Winston Churchill

   New bumper sticker: If it is against the law for me to follow you home and shove that cell phone up your bum than you better keep your car in your lane!

   Turtles are like toasters, if you throw unicorns at them, Dishwasher.