Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Haters can only hate the things they can't have and the people they can't be.

   Umm,, Why does everyone in Cracker Barrel look like the cast of Mama's Family?

   I know it's hard to tell,, but Chewbacca actually trims his pubes.

   All of MY posts come straight off of Taco Bell sauce packets.

   I'm not a soccer fan,, but if the St. Louis Steamers soccer team ever move to Cleveland,, I'm TOTALLY buying a jersey..

   Just remembering my Saturday morning ...a bowl of trix , watch Super friends and Hong Kong Fuey and then my bike ..OUTSIDE till lunch .. great times

   To the man that went the Block Buster store ?? Did you kick in the plywood around the windows or did Wayne Huizenga give you a key ??

   Girlfriends are like The History Channel. They always bring up old sh!t.

   I love a good hardy dump in the morning time....I can't stand a tiny turd tease...makes me feel like an underachiever

   F*ck what you heard, f*ck the b!tch you heard it from, f*ck what you think, and f*ck what you saw, and recognize what the f*ck you see.

   It's stupid when someone texts you first and they never reply after you text them back.

   Don't you hate when people call your name 20 times..... Then end up saying "NEVERMIND"? Nah, you gonna tell me SOMEthing.

   Dont Bring Skittels To A Gun Fight

   "You break it, you buy it"... Uh, hell no. I break it, I leave it, and awkwardly walk out...

   Girls who are shaped like hot pockets have no business taking full body pictures.

   Why WOULDN'T you wear a condom when they got that sh!t called "Kids" goin around?

   People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with “lol” should be damn shot.

   When I'm bored I like to put on a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks...

   I love a woman with passionate thoughts, eloquent words, and a beautiful mind...oh, and a nice rack too!

   F*ck an alarm system. I've seen "Home Alone," I know what to do.