Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Reports say that credit ratings are soon to be abolished for private individuals. All you need these days is a valid receipt from a your local gas station!

   What doesn't kill you makes you have lots of hospital bills.

   I want an app. that tells me if my post sucked,, or my timing did.

   Facebook is slowly evolving into Myspace. Remember how you could post pictures and signs on Myspace well that's pretty much all that I see anymore. We all know what happened to Myspace. That's right no one uses it anymore. Just sayin

   Dear fb now that we are all use to timeline don't you think you should change the format again..?

   I got a job as a bounty hunter in China, I couldn't believe my luck!...Every time they put up a new wanted poster, the guy they were looking for was standing right next to me!

   The picture that comes inside the picture frame you buy, The people in it are always more attractive than the people in your picture. Makes it difficult to make the switch

   ever wonder where hoarders come from? have a Yard Sale....

   I hate when people are trying to talk to me when I'm in the middle of doing something really important... like being awesome.

   The most ordinary things are made extraordinary, simply by doing them with the right people...

   Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.

   I go to your page because I miss you, then regret it because of what I see.

   I bet procrastinating serial killers wait until today to buy their hockey masks.

   My parents used to be happy when I took naps but now they think I'm lazy.

   I wonder how people would react if I walked into Sea World with a fishing pole.

   Pretty soon people will be saying, "You were born in the 1900's?"

   can I see your license and registration meow?

   Women drivers are like stars in the sky. You can see them, but they can't see you.

   Ghetto pronunciation: Bathroom = Baafrumm, Refrigerator = Fridgerataa, Remote = Moken Troll.

   Facebook is the leading cause to cell phone battery deaths.