Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Friend: "Whats a good movie?" Me: "Snakes on a plane" Friend: "Whats it about?" Me: "Horses... horses on a boat"

   Thanks to Facebook, whenever I go to a really great restaurant, I never tip the server. Instead, I write "Bob likes this" on the wall, flash them a thumbs up and walk out.

   Happy Friday the 13th!! Hockey mask... Check... Machete... Check...

   What do you call the head of North Korea's failed rocket program ?.......The Deceased....!

   David Lee Roth is apparently an old man now, yelling that the air conditioning was too cold in the arena last night, salsa dancing, jazz hands, total cornball.

   being that they're all middle aged men now with kids of their own, I think now's a good time to change their name to Minivan-Halen.

   I'm not going to lie to you. There's a good chance that at some point, I will probably try to do you. That's just how I roll.

   I changed my alarm tone to a Justin Bieber song and it works great... Now I wake up early just so I don't have to hear that $hit.

   I like when a woman tries to shove 210 pounds in a 135 pound dress because I used to bag groceries and admire that level of conviction.

   I Don't Drink Anymore !!!Although ...I Don't Drink Any Less either ;p

   You Are Not A MAN if you can make A BABY, Your Are a Man Who Can Raise One Especially One which is not yours ~ Mr. Krab

   *Stop the CISPA bill progression*. It allows the government and private companies to spy in on YOUR PRIVATE INFORMATION on any site as a means of “cybersecurity"......(Bulls**t)

   SOPA and PIPA tried to attack your 1st amendment. CISPA will attack your 4th amendment....if you let "them" of course

   Watching Friday 13th - a load of awful make-up, on brain-dead 'zombies'. Hang on. Sorry, wrong channel that was "The View".

   Today is Friday the 13th..not so scary...Oh wait....here comes my ex- I change my statement!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   What's long and hard, but can't get up? A North Korean rocket.

   I've finally found someone I can love - a good, clean love... without utensils.

   Fear of Friday the 13th is called paraskavedekatriaphobia. Heck I'm just afraid of that word.

   It's a topsy-turvy world, and maybe the problems of two people don't amount to a hill of beans. But this is our hill. And these are our beans!

   From Kim Jong-un's diary: "Friday the 13th, yeah, that will be a good day to test the rocket".