Snotty Funny Status Messages

   My exercise program consists of having a lot of stairs in my home,, and forgetting things.

   What I lack in imagination,,, I make up.

   Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry

   Prison counts as a gated community, right?

   Shall I compare thee to a Summer's Eve?

   I talk to an imaginary live studio audience when I'm making dinner.

   My life advice to kids: In the end Blossom grew up to be Sheldon Cooper's girlfriend,,,, that's all you need to know.

   BTW,,,,,I'm wearing my Asshat crooked today

   A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich... I said, "First let me see the sandwich."

   I don't like to boast,, So I don't....... I'm probably the best at not boasting,, Actually... The very best.

   Sometimes,,,, I don't like it at the grown-ups table.

   Gloria,,, Sometimes I still panic knowing that the rhythm is going to get me.

   My other palindrome is a kayak.................................... my new bumpersticker

   Somewhere along the way, I stopped trying to gain friends,, and just started enjoying reading and writing posts..

   Imagine if you found a dresser made by Jesus during his "carpenter" days. The guys on Antique Roadshow would lose their minds.

   The most important part of being on a gluten free diet is telling everyone about it.

   It's not you.. It's me. And my inability to tolerate you any longer.

   With my grandkids, I just assume that any word they use that I don't understand is a Pokemon creature.

   Who wants to come over and watch me collect dog turds on the wheels of my lawn mower?

   O.K.,,, That's ENOUGH !,, This is the 3rd hose-fight I've broken up today,, And the 2nd one involving actual hoses......