Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Graduation speech: I would like to thank Wikipedia, and copy/paste. - I'm out bitc$es

   Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

   I feel old whenever someone tells me they were born in the 90's.

   ❒ Taken ❒ Single ✔ Depends on how drunk I am.

   Girls are like Jedi's, they can lift things without even touching them... if you know what I mean.

   If you play a Nicki Minaj song and a Snoop song at the same time, you can understand what they're saying

   Had a big mix up at the store today... Apparently, when the woman said strip down facing me,she was referring to my credit card.

   I wonder if Michael Jackson looks like he did in Thriller yet

   The internets recipe for Cream Pie is different than my Grandmothers

   I'm starting to forget how the alphabet goes... ABCDEFGHIJKLMFAO.....

   If FOOD was a WOMAN i'd Marry her...

   a lot of ppl tend to over react to the situation before even knowing the true story

   Apparently women who go off the pill may become less attractive to their significant other. Who knew the pill was like beer goggles.

   If you LOVE something, set it free.. If it comes back to you,,,,you love a boomerang

   You gotta go for personality, guys.... They'll ALL look like grandma someday,,

   My kids outgoing voicemail message says,," I'm sorry I won't come to the phone right now. It's 2012. LEARN TO TEXT."

   I just won an award for being lazy,,,It even came with atrophy

   There's got to be ALOT of pressure on Adele's new boyfriend to treat her like sh*t.

   Whatever happen to all the Kony fever?

   In order to catch a cab,,,,, one must think like a cab first.