Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've been wondering, If poison goes out of date and expires, does it become more or less deadly?

   There's a little "I'm jealous" in every "whatever."

   "Ahh,,Yes,Yes,,,I can see where you're coming from." - My Urologist,,, He's a kidder,,

   When Kim heard Lamar got cut by the Mavs she probably texted Khloe the number of her divorce lawyer

   What is it with blind people and walking their dogs?

   My fart on the train today cleared the carriage faster than an Arab with a duffle bag!

   My son's just had a tattoo of a heart, a spade, a club and a diamond. I'll deal with him later.

   Due to the shortage of any great leaders in my government, I have decided to follow myself... seems that I just keep walking around in circles though.

   To all the people that think the world ends December 21 2012, you can stop using condoms this month

   I'd really like to know how far you ran today and whether it felt great and then see a picture of your smoothie.

   You'd think that two religions with such fierce hatreds of Pork might find more to agree on.

   The next president of the USA will be named Barack, Mitt or Newt! You can't make this stuff up...

   Sometimes when I'm scrolling through the Facebook news feed... I come across a really good status... and I think... now this guy is awesome... just as I'm about to like it... I'm like...oh wait that ones mine!!!

   The economy must be bad. I just saw Micheal J Fox working at Home Depot. He was in the paint department.

   Wow... I'm standing out on the ledge of my building, watching what looks like police and firemen trying to fit a trampoline through the front door! Pfft... Idiots!

   Wwhen my wife is angry wit me, instead of giving me the silent treatment..........she jus keeps talking!

   Autocorrect has been around for centuries, I got mine when I married my wife.

   first 5 seconds are about the pill. the following 25 are about what could go wrong?? is it me????

   Ever been so tired at work that people thought you were drunk? I hope so because thats the only excuse I have for being drunk at work.

   Tim Tebow's Easter sermon ended abruptly when he was replaced by Peyton Manning halfway through it.