Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What do you call a computer that can sing? A dell.

   Just been added on facebook by a tin of "pork luncheon meat". Reported it as spam

   Richardmooney26 Sucks! ...and that's all I'm going to say.

   Ladies: Never die a virgin! Apparently when you get to heaven a virgin you get to be one of the 70 wives of a suicide bomber…

   Oh WoW! You've dropped out of school to pursue your dreams? Really? How brave!!!.... Now…I'll have a number 3, no cheese, extra Jalapenos and diet Pepsi to go…

   Women + yoga pants = WIN!

   Eventually we'll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.

   Facebook buys Instagram for $1B! A website that makes people better looking. They probably could have bought Smirnoff for half of that.

   If I bet a hooker $100 that she can't make me cum...is that illegal gambling or prostitution?

   Yo Instagram, I'mma let you finish, but Polaroid took some of the best pictures of all time.

   So Mark Zuckerberg just bought Instagram for $1billion? Why didn't he just go to the App Store and download it for 99c?

   noticed something today at a restaurant. the womens restaurant sign is wearing a dress but the handicap sign beside it isnt...is the handicap woman naked?

   Dear guy in the mens bathroom...* man rule # 1a - if there's 5 urinals and I'm in urinal #1 , dont come parking it at urinal #2 !...your man card is suspended !

   One of the hardest things in life is trying to plug in your charger in the dark

   I would switch cell-phone providers if one had an "unsend my drunk text" option.

   My relationship with my Ex was very psychological...she's psycho and I'm logical.

   You know your Twitter timeline is boring when you get unfollowed by a spambot.

   I love finding money in my pockets after a night of drinking. It's like a gift to sober me…from drunk me.

   A young boy said to his mother, 'How old were you when I was born?' His mother replied, '23.' 'Wow, that's a lot of time we missed spending together.'

   I am available for parties. Not to do anything, I just like going to parties.