Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's only two ways to start your drive thru order: Hi I'd like to order or Lemme get a uhhh

   Everytime I see "ROFL"... I think of Scooby Doo trying to say "waffle".

   We get MLK Day off but not Good Friday...Dying for a dream trumps dying for our sins!

   Oftentimes when I drop something small and I lose it, if I have two, I will drop the second one to see if it will bounce and lead me to the other one.

   Has anyone figured out yet why women love chocolate so much ?

   One day The Hunger Games will become reality... AND YOU'LL REGRET NOT READING THE BOOKS...

   I'd rather look back at my life and say "I can't believe I did that" instead of saying,. "I wish I did that."

   By Making your Bed. Your room looks 50 % clean.

   it's really inconsiderate of you to be this attaractive if you're not planning on being the father of my future children

   I went to the movies yesterday and afterwards went to the bathroom. In the stall next to me, some mom was telling her daughter, "Do you need to go tinkle tinkle little star?" And then she made lots of peeing noises. I just left the bathroom as fast as I c

   If you watch Titanic backwards it's about a magical ship that saves people

   I want to fix you, BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW.

   Checking Your Phone To See What Time It Is... And Then Checking It Again Because The First Time You Wernt Paying Attention! Awkward.

   Nowadays People know the price of everything, But the value of nothing.

   Dear extra fat on my body, You have two options, move to my boobs, or gtfo.

   That Sexy Face you make when applying M A S C A R A.

   Here's some advice. Stay Alive."

   I use music to escape from reality.

   realized that I'm getting old. 20 years ago all of my friends were on drugs. Now they're all on medication...

   When I was a kid, I used to sing, 'A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, ELEMENO, P'