Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I remember when the most important thing to pack for a trip was my toys. Then it was books, then 8-tracks, then a briefcase, then a computer. Now it's my medicine....but I still pack some toys!

   A giraffe in a top hat walks into a bar and orders six martinis and shame on you for wanting a punchline. This giraffe needs help.

   Next time someone gets in your face and says, "Anytime. Anywhere." say, "Melbourne. 6 years from now."

   Check out my brilliant & insightful new article in REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY TODAY! On 2nd thought, don't. It's not for you.

   I wear gasoline for cologne because women love the smell of money.

   I don't always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment.

   Qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm backwards is mnbvcxzlkjhgfdsapoiuytrewq ,,,, Now 14% of you will proof this for accuracy,,, and then die alone.....Asses

   I can't recall,,,Was the "power of Grayskull" 110v or 220v?

   It's impossible to give 110% -- so right off the bat you are lying to me.

   So let me get this straight....a giant bunny rises from the dead, commits a bunch of sins, then we eat a pig?

   I am in a prison for something I didn't do. I didn't run fast enough.

   Saw these ducks in the park today looking at their reflection in the water practicing their teenage slut face.

   The creator of Marhall amplifiers just passed away. I was surprised he was still alive. I thought he only went to '11...

   If people came with warning labels they wouldn't be too much different than drug labels: May cause drowsiness, persistent headaches, may reduce the urge to live..... If symptoms persist apply the nearest foot to their ass.

   My ole lady needs a TEMPER-pedic mattress cause she keeps waking up on the wrong side of the bed. :/

   I'm almost finished producing my "Tickle Me Emo" doll. When you tickle it... it says "My life sucks," "I need more black hair dye" and..... these pants aren't tight enough. I just need to stop it from cutting the box it comes in, before it's sold.

   Boil an egg and put in on a plate in front of a kid and they will gag... Color it blue and put stripes on it and hide it in the sand box and they will fist fight over it..

   Whenever somebody ask me what's my favorite movie or song, that's exactly the moment when I forget every f*cking movie or song I've ever come across in my whole life!

   I'm tired of boiled eggs so I'm hiding scrambled eggs this year.

   ate too many easter eggs...now I got the squirts!!